In 1987, I contacted Adoptions with Love to inquire about the possibility of relinquishing my child to adoption. I was 19, in a complete state of panic and was not receiving support from my family who were of the mindset that “a baby would ruin my life”.
While at the time, I felt that they were most supportive and caring regarding my son's birth and adoption, in hindsight, and with much research, I have found that they were really preying upon my emotional vulnerability and withheld proven scientific research regarding the long term consequences of infant relinquishment. I was surrounded by happy stories and information about the wonderful joys that surrendering my child would bring to the perspective adoptive family. I was told that “only the very strong and selfless could make a true sacrifice of themselves though adoption” which greatly appealed to my desire to “right the wrong”.
Not one time was I offered the true scientific facts that were published during that time which completely contradicted the happy selfless story they told. “Relinquishing Mothers in Adoption: their long term adjustment” by Robin Winkler and Margaret van Keppel was published in 1984 and clearly states that mothers who relinquish their children suffer long term life altering affects steming from the adoption experience. In fact, they report that the grief created by the adoption relinquishment was often seemed worse than a death of a child and actually increased in feeling over time. Adoptions with Love assured me that over time, I would feel at peace, content and continually proud of my loss. I find it impossible to believe that a highly progressive and “professional” agency was unaware of the truth that had been all a buzz for over three years. What's more, this is only one research study out of many with the same conclusion.
Adoptions with Love also assisted me in completely denying my son's father rights to even know his only child was about to be born and relinquished without his knowledge or permission. While I was afraid and embarrassed and desiring to avoid conflict, I had no right to let fear guide me or to even make that ethical choice. As professionals in both the legal and emotional guidance, I trusted them to inform me as to what was the “right” was of conducting this relinquishment. I was told, point blank, that if I did not wish to tell him then all I had to do was lie on the birth certificate and not list his name on the legal documentation. This was supposed to be “OK” but instead lead to over 20 years of heavy guilt for denying a man his parental right to his ONLY child. No one had the right to take the choice away from him. He should have had the right to raise his only son should he have chosen to. Just becasue a practice is legal, does not make it right nor ethical nor in the best interest in those you are pretending to serve.
My belief is that Adoptions with Love were all too happy to make my child's father “go away” as he was a adult old lawyer with his own firm in NYC and could have, most easily, supported his son and would never have given permission to the surrender. Informing this man of his rights would have eliminated the 20 to 30 thousand dollars in “fees' that the agency received from my son's adoptive parents.
I was lead to believe that my son would have a much better life than I could ever hope to offer him and he would be fine. Also, at that time there was already evidence supporting the facts that adoptees had a greater chance of abandonment and identity issues based on the abandonment at birth. I was never told of the scientific facts regarding this and was given the facts instead that my son would be grateful and perfectly happy. There was no way they could have guaranteed his happiness and while he did indeed have fine adoptive parents, he was truly the “odd” child out and by nature, would have fit in perfectly with his family of birth.
I was also:
• Denied my signed legal paperwork until I had to demand it with state licensing regulations 19 years later. At first, they told me I had to pay 50 dollars for legal documents baring my name.
• Moved me away from my home and family, which is a tactic used by agencies to promote dependence on the agency and isolation in making a decision
• Given a guilt trip about my child “languishing in foster care unable to bond with his new family” to make me desire to “choose” to sign the legal paperwork as soon as I was legally able.
• Called a "BirthMother" before I was one which is a mental manipulation and also coersive in nature as it convinces a mother to think of herself as something before she has had the true ability, after birth, to make this huge decision.
Overall, Adoptions with Love is like many adoption agencies in this country and used subtle coercion and practices of denying the truth to mothers considering adoption. They act like they are your best friends and care all about you when pregnant, meanwhile their true clients are the adoptive parents that pay their fees.
My life, the life of my son, the life of my subsequent children, my relationships with my family and even my career has all been greatly affected by the loss of my son. It is a wound in which I will never truly be healed from nor will I ever be without the ache. Even after reunion, we cannot recover the lost years and shared memories. Relinquishing my son to adoption was the single most destructive force that I have ever allowed into my life. Adoptions with Love made it feel like a great wonderful adventure, an experience that might last a few months, feeling that would disperse over a year or two. They made relinquishing my child to adoption seem like my path to sainthood and heaven. It was the first step to a personal life long hell.
Adoptions with Love withholds the truth about adoption for profit.
FauxClaud
Kingston, New York
U.S.A.
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