SUBMITTED: Friday, December 20, 2002
POSTED: Saturday, December 21, 2002
Connie, For fun and subtle revenge, go to www.disgruntledhousewives.com and put him on the list of scum. Next, go to the local websites in Oregon and put all his identifying information on there. Why not discourage any other woman from getting 100 feet from him?
Most of this message is to Monika, who recommends you stay together for the kids and never get divorced. Monika is perfect. She is a superstar. The whole world is in awe of Monika, who knows everything and has had a perfectly planned life. Monica needs to stay away from those majic mushrooms.
I grew up with people that stayed together for the kids, and guess what: my cousins are seriously screwed up. I got a male cousin who won’t commit to one female (cause he sees what marriage did to his family) and a female cousin who is very demanding and is never satisfied with anything her spouse does. Why? They think that’s the way they are supposed to be since they’ve learned their parents’ behavior.
I got grandparents who got married young, and stayed married. Why? It certainly wasn’t a happy union. You just didn’t do that back then.
They had 5 kids, and come to find out Grandpa not only commits incest on his own kid, but is a pervert who flashes his Grandkids. Oh, but he’s a breadwinner. He works!
I guess Monika thinks you should stay married to all sorts of men, even the dregs of society.
Anyway, so, my grandma goes to the authorities to get help and guess what they tell her. You made your bed, you lay in it. You be a good little girl and go home and take care of your husband (wink wink) and then he won’t be touching his own kids. Well, he doesn’t stop, so she waits one day til he comes staggering in late at night from a night of partying with his friends from work, and whops him in the head with a frying pan. Well, he doesn’t molest his daughter anymore, but he still occasionally flashes his grandkids. So, we couldn’t even go over to see Grandma. Getting married and then getting a divorce is sometimes an unforeseeable event.
For you, miss Monika, oh she of little brain cell activity (and with lots of misfiring synapses), you are in for a big surprise. Life doesn’t always turn out the way you want it to. I’m sure Connie didn’t plan on raising her kids alone while her ex goes galavanting around the country, stiffing her for his own kids expenses. It’s okay for the ex, but if Connie did it, she’d end up on CNN.
Never blame the victim. The kids are victim and Connie is a victim. Her kids are suffering and are due a better life. Her dad has shown he is quite capable of making a dollar, but he wants to make sure his kids don’t get a penny. Why would you blame Connie? Oh, probably because you are a heartless, blind wench. You don’t understand what kids go through when they don’t have financial support from their dad’s. There’s a lot less opportunity to have a normal life especially if you can barely afford to feed your kids. You can plan til the cows come home and things still may blow up in your face. Maybe you are mad because your “husband” can’t buy you that diamond ring, or new car. Maybe you are mad that the money he makes goes to his “first” family. But guess what, it’s not about the ex-wife, it’s for the kids. And it’s unfortunate that you think that it’s a shame he gives her more than she can make at a job, but most women put off their education to take are of the kids and support their husband. She deserves every penny she gets, because she takes care of the kids. I bet your hubby can take a pee by himself, but I bet his ex-wife can’t. I know, because I don’t have a moment to myself. And while her ex-husband is moving on with her life, it’s harder for the wife to move on. Not a lot of men are willing to take on caring for kids that aren’t’ their own. Sad fact.
What happens between your plans and your fantasies is real life. Real life sucks. I, myself had a lot of standards for my future mate, but even that didn’t prevent what happened.
I met my husband in the Navy. We were raised in Christian homes, shared a common spirituality, and were kindred spirits. Both of us are positive people and we’re both known for our kindness and faithful outlook. We dated for what seemed like forever. When he asked me to marry him, I called his Mom (a great mom, I might add) and asked her what she thought. She said,
“You don’t have to worry. I raised my son to be married. He’s a good man.” So, we got married in San Diego in November of 1995.
I knew he didn’t drink and didn’t do drugs. I also knew he had a very high clearance with the government so he had to pass a background check and other security checkpoints had to be cleared. No bad credit, no arrests, no detox, no counseling, no juvie record. We talked to a Navy chaplain who pronounced us both of mature and sound minds, and cleared us with the Navy to get married. Yes, in the Navy, you have to ask permission.
This is where real life comes in. We left our training school and were sent to Florida for our duty station. I was about 25 minutes from where he was. He was stationed on board a ship, I was on shore duty. I was happy to share my life with someone that was in the same line of work and understood military life and demands. To me, I’d found my lifetime soul mate/soul-friend.
We spent as much time together as we could. Before we had gotten married we had talked about kids. Being infertile, I knew that there was no chance of natural conception due to a near fatal accident that I was in when I was a child. So, we decided the Navy was no place for a family, and decided to adopt after we finished our enlistment and be devoted parents.
Well, we had been married about eight months when I found out I was six weeks pregnant. I was shocked and he was stupefied. But, we both were very happy at the miracle we’d been given and started planning to buy a house.
In the meantime, we moved into a bigger place. About that time, my husband made friends with some other married guys on ship. I was very happy because I felt it would be good for him to be around other successful couples.
Boy, was I wrong.
Our daughter was born in March of 1997.
When she was a year old, I discovered that not only did my husband have a mistress, but also she was pregnant. I also discovered she was the third person he’d cheated with. The worst part, some of his friends knew about it. Everyone knew but me. I didn’t know.
I wanted to keep my family intact, so I told him that I’d help the mistress raise the child, since it was partly his and the child didn’t ask to come here. Well, shortly after that, she had a miscarriage or abortion, depending on which version of events that you believe. The child wasn’t convenient for either of them.
Anyway, I was stumped about what to do about the marriage. See, in our families, you just didn’t get divorced. On the other hand, he didn’t see any reason to quit dipping his wick in other places. I didn’t want him to bring me home something like AIDS so that our child would have no parents. I counseled with a Navy lawyer, a marriage counselor, and his parents. In the end, he told me he just didn’t love me anymore and wasn’t ready for a family. Then, he offered to walk away and never see our child again.
I myself am an orphan. A stalker killed my mother when I was seven, and my father broke up with my mom and left town after a very long relationship. She could never find him, and then, she died, taking the truth with her. I know what it’s like to grow up without your dad. I couldn’t believe he’d offer to abandon her.
About the time my husband moved out, he decided to put some of his personal effects into my storage unit until he could find his own place. In the meantime, he came over every few weekends to stay with us so that he could have time with my daughter.
One summer day, I decided to do a little yard work. I was standing out in the front yard with the rake and realized that even if I wanted to use my weed-whacker, it wouldn’t stretch all the way to the driveway. So, I went out to the utility shed to get it my heavy-duty extension cord. When I opened the door, I saw it right away, (it was bright orange), but when I stepped up to get it off the shelf, my foot caught in the suitcase strap and I fell. I felt pretty stupid, falling like that and being covered with dust and dead spiders. I looked around the unit and got sort of depressed that all his stuff was out there, labeled and numbered. The suitcase has been jarred and it was tipped over and pulled about a foot away from the wall where it had been resting. I started to pick it up when I noticed an envelope sticking out the side. I also noticed there was feminine style loopy writing on it. I started not to pull it out, knowing it was probably from this pregnant girl and that I would get upset. But I couldn’t resist. And what I found when I read it was that his high school sweetheart had hooked up with him on a trip home to see his family (I had been on duty) when we had been married for 6 months.
I was pretty upset, as it was very explicit. I opened the suitcase and there must’ve been 100 or so letters there, dated all the way back to before we were married and all the way up to my daughter’s first year. When this hs sweetie found out I was pregnant, she told him that he should leave me because I wasn’t fit to raise a child (funny enough, this girl had no life skills, no education beyond high school and worked at dairy queen. She was a real winner.)
Well, the day I went to divorce court, I was emotionally devastated. I felt I did what I was supposed to, graduated high school, went to college, got job training (five years in the Navy), got married, and finally, had my little girl. But none of that mattered.
My daughter hasn’t seen her dad since she was two years old. She will be six in two months. When we were getting divorced, he told me that he was staying in Florida because I had another year in the Navy and he wanted to be with our daughter. But, exactly one year after we divorced, he moved back to his home state of Oregon, and ended up back with his other high school sweetie. They are now married, (she has a 4 year old from another marriage), and are expecting their first child in the spring. I am happy for them.
Now, it took me a long time to be happy for him in any way, because I felt my daughter and me got totally shafted. He cheated, he left, and he lied.
He never once took her to the doctor, emergency room, took her to anywhere. The only time he was there for her was when the Navy made him take 6 weeks to spend with his daughter before he went on a 6 month med cruise. He’s never bought her a birthday present, never a Christmas present. Thank the good lord I nailed him to the wall with the child support, because I get that and that only every month. No letter, no nothing. We don’t even have to go through the state.
But paying child support doesn’t make a father. I have one full time job working for the government and one part time job. I also pay for not having her dad here. I am utterly exhausted every day. Unfortunately, I can’t volunteer for a lot of her school functions, and my patience wears thin. Her dad until very recently, continued to live it up skydiving, mountain climbing, snowboarding, skiing and partying. Oh, and he’s was a ho.
Yeah, I make sacrifices for my daughter. And, I’m the one who inwardly suffers when Jackie sees another kid with his/her dad. Jackie knows about her dad, has pictures of him, and knows how we met and how much we both love her. She knows that it wasn’t her fault that we aren’t together anymore. I don’t say anything bad about her dad, but I think she’s a very smart kid. Actions speak volumes to kids. Jackie’s dad has never been here for her. It’s unfortunate that the only reason her dad pays child support is because I know his social security number and because I nailed him to the wall because of it. He made a child with me, and he has a responsibility to financially care for her. Morally, he has an obligation to the Almighty for her care and moral and ethical training. But, I feel that I’ve just fine with that.
There are so many good men out there, but chances are, there are a lot of pigs too. Men that prey on single women to get to their kids. Perverts. Men who are on their best behavior when you are dating and then turn into maniacal monsters later on. Men that are good for nothings. I’m sorry, but my ex has it easy.
I, I admit, get all the good stuff. I hold her, I play with her, and I get all the little wet kisses and she always offers to share that sticky candy she’s already licked. I get all the blessings and all the pain. I’m the one she tells, “Mom, you’re my favorite.”
Problem is, that was my ex’s choice too. I have been, for 4 years now, sending him pictures, letters, email updates, etc. I call him if he happens to feel like giving me the number where he’s at. I don’t make her dad into a lazy jerk, an emotionally unavailable person, and a person who doesn’t finish what he started. He is slowly doing that to himself.
So, Monika, people can be PERFECT like you and PLAN every waking moment. Sorry, I’m not a TYPE A personality. Most people aren’t either. The truth is people fall in and out of love for all sorts of reasons. Some legitimate, some not. But you can’t knock someone for not being PSYCHIC and not knowing their mate is going to turn out to be an alcoholic, skirt chasing, drug using, non-working, responsibility spurning and spiteful, abusive jerks. They come in all shapes. But before you go pointing your fingers at people for what OTHERS have done to them, you might want to turn that finger around and look at yourself. Yep, you. I think you may have some real issues with anger, jealously, abandonment, self-hatred, insecurity and hatred.
Put yourself in the kid’s shoes, and you will see the only ones suffering are the kids. They’re the ones that people like you put between parental squabbles. People like you make the kids feel guilty for loving either parent, and people like you utilize children to run your little hate speech back to the other parent. “Tell your mom to get a job and then she’ll have some money.” Crap like that. I’ve been on both sides. I’ve been raised without a father’s love and financial support, and now I’m raising a child with out patriarchal love. The cycle continues. Once people see that it’s not just about money, well, maybe the kids will come first. You think it’s about money, but it’s not. Not entirely. Isn’t a little part of it that you’re jealous?
But, it’s not your money anyway, it’s his. And he’s paying it for his kids. So really, you should stay out of his problems with his ex-wife. They were there as a family before you came along and it’s really none of your business.
Until you can be civil to his ex, you should consider maybe some anger management classes, or should take up knitting, basket making or weaving. Cause really, why are you yapping about that anyway? You’re more concerned with his ex than he is.
The author of this complaint has full rights to do what she has to do. If she wanted to, she could send a PI or a bounty hunter after him. The FBI also has some pages for Dead-Beat Dad’s. No matter what silly fluff comes from people like Monika, a father or a mother has an OBLIGATION under the law and to God to raise their children. If they aren’t there emotionally than by law they HAVE TO pay child support. Or, they can go to jail. And if they go to jail, waaaah, cry me a river. That’s what you get for forsaking your own.
I hope life doesn’t smack Monika upside the head, but it probably will. She’s living in Monika-land, ruled by fairies and unicorns. But, life on earth is a lot different.