Dear Mr.. and Mrs.. Clinton,
So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, that's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down -- that's $440,000 -- leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000.
Now let's have a look at your financial statements.
Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher?
And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so.
What will you do then? Open a library? In Little Rock? Arkansas? Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.
Mrs. Clinton, you're running for the Senate, right?
Senators are paid $130,000 a year -- assuming, of course, she's elected -- so even with your pension you're still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial.
Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991? But you did some volunteer work, I see.
You tried to overhaul the entire national health care system?
But no one was interested?
But you have other experience?
Yes, I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas.
How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt.
And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt.
And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too.
You actually did go to Yale you claim?
A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail.
This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No?
Let's look at your assets:
you owe $4.5 Million Mr. Clinton?
How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a special fund?
So basically you're relying on the kindness' of strangers.
You also have some serious expenses.
A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a
year, probably more with the air fares.
And she wants to go to medical school?
Any legal problems?
I see a $90,000 fine for perjury. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you're not lying on your loan application? Of course it would look a lot better if you WERE lying.
Are there any other legal matters we should know about?
Mrs. Clinton? You don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's a remote possibility -- note that I say "remote" -- that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12-cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and while Mr. Clinton is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.
Let's review the situation.
One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to over 22 times your annual income that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. And a looming criminal indictment. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.
We'll give you a call.