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  • Report: #342318

Complaint Review: DCYF

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  • Submitted: Fri, June 20, 2008
  • Updated: Mon, July 16, 2012

  • Reported By:Belmont New Hampshire
DCYF
65 W Beacon St Laconia, New Hampshire United States of America

DCYF 15 year old daughter removed from home for getting a disciplinary spanking Laconia New Hampshire

*Consumer Suggestion: How are things now!

*Consumer Comment: Advice. This Will Work if You Try It.

*Consumer Comment: spnking is a necessary evil

*Consumer Comment: Spanking = child abuse?

*Consumer Comment: Several things are clear here ...

*Consumer Suggestion: You asked for help

*Consumer Comment: Let them have her.

*Consumer Comment: Very Sad Story

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My 15 year old daughter had started cutting herself in December 07. Her behavior had gotten to the point to where she would tell us no when asked something of her. She was lying, name calling her brother, being disrespectful to adults, not following rules and doing her chores. At the end of February of 08 she had become violent by breaking my finger, tried to push me through a window, biten me, clawed me with her fingers and ran away in the blizzard at night and hitchhiked to Franklin which is about 45 minutes from home. Both Belmont and Franklin police were involved. We got her home the same night. Next day she cut herself again and ran her wrists full of blood down some of my windows, across the siding of my house, and let her arm bleed infront of other children. We had called her counselor and let her know that our daughter needed to get back into counseling.

We did not get ahold of authorities because my husband's mother was dying and did not have much time to live. We did not want our daughter to not be able to attend her grandmother's service. On March 5 we lost my husbands mother and then on March 20 my daughter decided to act out once again. She had been told to do chores and she did not want to follow the rules. She had disrespected her brother so she got 1/4 tsp of chili powder in her mouth. She was asked to clean it up and told me no. She then grabbed my wrist and had her nails dug into the wrist and would not let go. A friend went behind her and brought her to the floor very calmly. As my daughter went down she told me I was a "f***ing cunt, and that she wished I was dead" I tried to spank her with my open hand and pants up, but she turned around laughed at me and quoted "did you think that hurt" . My daughter ended up getting a spanking on the bare buttocks with two open hands. She was asked to apologize and said no, so she got spanked again. My daughter apologized and then went into her bedroom and cut herself again with a spiral notebook.

I called the police, there was no bleeding or anything. They took her to the hospital and had her stay for social reasons. DCYF got into the picture and removed her from the home saying her safety was at harm. I have never before spanked my children. I have always used other forms of discipline like taking the tv, ipod, computer, phone away. DCYF has had my daughter for three months. My daughter keeps changing her mind that she wants to come home, then she doesn't. She is playing both sides. I am appealing this decision, because I do not feel I neglected my daughter, I disciplined her for her poor choice of behavior. These people have my daughter believe that she did nothing wrong by disrespected her elders, assaulting a parent, and her brother. I feel we are getting the raw end of the deal. And yes DCYF feels that they want to reunifie families, how is this when we see our daughter once a week for three hours supervised. My daughter was able to stop the calls between us.

I also have simple assault charges against me. DCYF does not care what they put parents through. Anyone that can offer me some help and opinions I would really appreciate it

Judeann xxxxxxx Belmont, New Hampshire
U.S.A.

CLICK here to see why Rip-off Report, as a matter of policy, deleted either a phone number, link or e-mail address from this Report.

This report was posted on Ripoff Report on 06/20/2008 09:18 AM and is a permanent record located here: http://www.ripoffreport.com/r/DCYF/Laconia-New-Hampshire-03246/DCYF-15-year-old-daughter-removed-from-home-for-getting-a-disciplinary-spanking-Laconia-Ne-342318. The posting time indicated is Arizona local time. Arizona does not observe daylight savings so the post time may be Mountain or Pacific depending on the time of year.

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REBUTTALS & REPLIES:
0Author 8Consumer 0Employee/Owner
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#1 Consumer Suggestion

How are things now!

AUTHOR: Your1guy - (Canada)

How are things now! Is your daughter alot better now. Please let me know. Thanks in advance.
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#2 Consumer Comment

Advice. This Will Work if You Try It.

AUTHOR: Penrie - (U.S.A.)

You probably grew up with abuse and have difficulty motivating a child without abusing them. You need to stop blaming your daughter for her behavior and change the way you treat her. She needs love. Let her love you and show her you love her back. Stop all punishment. Don't let her get you angry and do things you should not. Use rewards to motivate her. If she cleans her room give her an allowance, or buy her something she has been wanting. You have to be careful not to buy her lots of things for no reason or this will not work.

Be consistent. Don't decide to make her clean her room when she is busy doing something else. Tell her it needs to be done and give her a few days to get it done with a reward when she accomplishes it. I have kids who are straight A students and I decided early on that a clean room is not a priority. 2 of their rooms look like a tornado hit but that is their space and I respect their decision to let it be messy. Maybe you should let the room thing go and focus on other issues. Trying to control her will make her want to cut herself even more.

This is difficult, but is the way to help her. Kids who cut themselves do so because they have been abused, emotionally and/or physically. They are asking for help. You have the power to stop the abuse and save your daughter. Don't listen to anyone who says that what you are doing is not abuse. They are not helping you or your daughter. You know deep inside it is abuse and you need to realize this to help her and yourself. You will like yourself much better when you learn to stop reacting in anger and instead use intelligence and love.

Tip: Take advice only from people who have kids with no problems and have a great relationship with them. I know someone with a son in jail who tries to give advice to EVERYONE. Her message is usually "don't let them get away with that". She doesn't see that her harsh way of raising her kids is why she has one in jail. 99.9% of kids in jail were "spanked" as children.

What happens to kids who weren't spanked? They often become highly successful. They have higher IQs are happier and more well adjusted. They do not abuse their kids (unless they were in a family where they watched someone else getting abused), do drugs, or land in jail.

Research shows without a doubt that spanking is counter productive, harmful and not a good idea at ANY age.
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#3 Consumer Comment

spnking is a necessary evil

AUTHOR: Ravenslvr - (U.S.A.)

if a kid equates a staple on its way towards a light socket with a spanking, chances are they wont do it again. if they hit and are overly aggressive and wont calm down, a spanking can change that. spanking and beating your kids ass are two different things. i was spanked and i never repeated the actions that i was spanked for. its not like you hit the kid as hard as you can. just enough that its uncomfortable for them and its clear that this is something they do not want to happen again.

when my son gets older and if i can't get him to stop whatever it is, i'll spank him. its better to use your hand than to use another object. most people that are against spanking think its ok to use a wooden spoon or similar objects. things is, when you use your hand you know exactly how much force and how hard the slap is. with a weapon, cause thats what it would be considered, you reqlly dont know. whip someone with a piece of red rope licorice and see if they dont yelp. that hurts a lot. now slap their arm as hard as you spank, nothing
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#4 Consumer Comment

Spanking = child abuse?

AUTHOR: Sarah - (U.S.A.)

It's very sad that the world seems to think that discipline is child abuse. I'm 29 years old and have thanked my parents on more than one occasion for caring enough to spank me when I misbehaved. True, spanking should be a last resort punishment and is never to be done in the heat of anger. I have the most amazing parents in the world. They cared enough about raising their children right and spanked when necessary. I'm sure it didn't hurt as much as I probably thought it did at the time. It was more of an attention-getter and deterrant than anything else.

To the OP, your daughter did not necessarily need to be spanked. By the time children are teenagers, spanking is not effective. What she needs is professional help. Cutting is a psycological thing and needs to be treated, even if it means that she be institutionalized briefly until her behaviour is under control. The other behaviours you mentioned appear to be some sort of anger issue. Mind, I'm no psychological professional, but I've seen the results of anger issues first-hand. My sympathy to you and your family. It sounds like you are having hard enough times without a rebellious and psychologically unsteady teenager acting out.
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#5 Consumer Comment

Several things are clear here ...

AUTHOR: Peter - (U.S.A.)

1- Anytime an adult lays a hand on a child, it is considered physical abuse. "Spanking" and forcing chili powder into a child's mouth is indeed abuse.

2- You clearly do not have control over this child, and her actions have become a danger to society (i.e., hitch hiking, utilizing scarce police resources that could have been better allocated to other situations, "cutting herself in front of children).

3- It is better for you and your daughter to be separated for the time being so that you BOTH can get the help that you need.
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#6 Consumer Suggestion

You asked for help

AUTHOR: Mom In Ca - (U.S.A.)

You stated: "My 15 year old daughter had started cutting herself in December 07. Her behavior had gotten to the point to where she would tell us no when asked something of her. She was lying, name calling her brother, being disrespectful to adults, not following rules and doing her chores." Your daughter's cutting herself is a very loud cry for help. The rest of her behavior is her anger and frustration at your not getting her the help she needs.

You're upset that she's being disrespectful of adults, however your not getting help for her is being incredibly disrespectful of her. As her parent, you must see her needing this kind of help as far more important than how she is behaving - and realize that the more she acts out, the more she needs immediate help.

You wonder why she goes back and forth on wanting to come home. You are her family - of course she wants to come home. She hasn't completely given up on you. However she knows that she very seriously needs help and she has been unsuccessful at having you recognize how much she needs you to get this help for her. For you to miss how much she needs help demonstrates to her that she can't count on you for her survival.

On top of your not hearing her or getting the severity of her needs, you have been punishing her for her behavior - which has actually been her screaming for you to notice what she's trying to tell you. I am imagining you have no idea how severe her request for help is - most people who haven't experienced the apparent dispare you daughter is feeling can't imagine how serious, and dangerous, it is.

I suggest you get immediate assistance in learning how to help your child and in then developing a communication with her so that she realizes you have come to appreciate the seriousness of her needs and let her know you will do anything that needs to be done for her to get the help she needs. Let go of your judgement of her behavior in this area - realize that this was the only way she knew how to get your attention.

I speak from experience. I spent most of my childhood suicidal, and my parents, though in many ways responsible parents, were not at all capable of helping me. I was a little kid the first time I tried to kill myself, young enough to not realize I wasn't taking enough pills to kill me. My parents never knew I'd tried - at this point, I no longer wanted their attention, I'd given up on them.

I isolated myself from everyone and learned to not trust anyone or anything. I think the only reason I survived was because I just couldn't believe that life was as horrible as it appeared to be to me and I kept trying to figure out how to be ok. I was finally, as an adult, diagnosed with major depression and put on medication that corrected the chemical problem in my brain that caused the depression.

Find out everything you can about what's going on with your daughter and the best way to help her. Work with her on healing. Make sure she sees a psychiatrist for an accurate diagnoses. If you find yourself thinking that she needs to behave differently before she gets the help she needs, realize that this position could cost your daughter her life.

My own daughter inherited my depression. We spent months with an inept therapist before I finally got my daughter to a psychiatrist and she was put on medication to correct her brain chemistry. During this time before she was medicated, I kept assuring her that I understood that she didn't know why she was behaving the way she was and that I would stick with her through whatever it took to get her help.

Her behavior was very frustrating for both of us - however I knew she wasn't choosing it, I knew her reality was distorted, and I knew how much she hated what she was feeling and she needed my support and help. She is now 16 and has been doing really well since she was first medicated 8 years ago. She's happy, strong, whole. Her medication allows her to live a normal life.

She hates what happened when she was sick, and she knows it wasn't her fault and she doesn't feel guilty about it. She also knows she can come to me with anything and I will absolutely be there for her. Please be there for your daughter. Regardless of her behavior, she not only needs you, she wants you to take care of her.
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#7 Consumer Comment

Let them have her.

AUTHOR: Betty - (U.S.A.)

It sounds like your daughter is more than you can handle. No where have you mentioned anything about her father. If you are alone it is more than you can handle. Your other children deserve attention too. Maybe they can do what you can't do. Anyways I would not let her come home until she has had counseling and says she is sorry for the way she has acted. This girl wants to kill herself. You have no control over this. She needs more help than you can give. Work on your other children so they don't have some problems too.
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#8 Consumer Comment

Very Sad Story

AUTHOR: Juke - (U.S.A.)

Im sorry this happened to you and your family. I am no psychologist or anything but I'll just share my opinion. I was perhaps in a similar situation, but to a lesser degree myself as a kid. I WAS that kid. I just felt cheated compared to other kids (money, clothes, friends, athletic ability etc). I was the nerd of the school and social class. Looking back now, I realize I had a great childhood and it was just easier to blame my parents and everyone else. I didn't want to TALK to anyone. I didn't want to share my feelings. I just wanted to be alone. I know you are worried about giving her space because she can harm herself. But GIVE HER SPACE.

You cannot protect her from cutting herself. If she's gonna do it she'll do it. She needs a self esteem booster, she needs to have her great qualities pointed out to her. Unfortunately it has to be by strangers at first. Then you can jump in on the recognition. I can PINPOINT exactly a turning point in my life. In art class my teacher said to me "YOU ARE VERY CREATIVE AND A GREAT ARTIST" . I was overwhelmed inside that someone thought that. I started focusing on excelling in art. I won a contest designing graphics on a shoe. I was elated. Because something positive (and unbiased) was pointed out to me and confirmed by winning a contest I started feeling good about myself. From that day foward (9th grade) and on, no one could bring me down. I felt on top of the world because I set out to accomplish a "secret goal-winning the contest" and did. To this day I couldn't tell you if I really was any good in art or my mom (who knew this teacher) encouraged him to tell me this.

I believe if she gets an esteem booster from a good role model she will feel better about herself. However if she gets an esteeme booster from the "wrong crowd" she will keep seeking approval and spiral out of control (even worse) with them.
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