Best Western Fairbanks Inn ripoff Seedy Deceiving Dank Fairbanks Alaska

Ah, a few days off. Why not spend some time exploring the northern section of Alaska? Katey and I decided to do this during late April of 2007. Since it is still a bit too cold for camping, we decided we would go ahead and book a hotel for a couple of days.

Enter, the Best Western Fairbanks Inn. Best Western is a highly recognized chain throughout the world with location from Alaska to Suriname. For most it is a trusted name. I've stayed at Best Western in places like Lakeview Oregon and Homer Alaska, so the one in Fairbanks should be just fine, right? Wrong. Read on.

We made the long trek from Anchorage to Fairbanks, and arrived sometime after 10pm. This wasn't a problem since the sun doesn't really set until after midnight this time of year. We looked for Cushman Rd, and realized the street was located in a less-than-desireable location. The area was a bit creepy.

The website had promised a restaurant/saloon that would be open until 1am. That is, if it wasn't closed. Not only would it never open, but it remained padlocked for our entire stay. Not good when the hour is approaching 11pm and we hadn't eaten yet.

We got to our room, but with no help from front desk. You see, he gave us a series of directions to our room. However, if you were to follow them, you'd walk into a wall. We walked up the stairs (no elevator) and found directionals: Rooms 200-247 this way, rooms 249-299 that way. Problem was, we were room 248.

After about 10 minutes of searching through (the wrong) hallways in this bizarro world layout of a hotel, we found the room. We entered into a room with a scent that can only be described as crypt-like. A blast of heat smacked both of us across the face. No problem...turn off the heat, and turn on the air-conditioner, right? Wrong. The thermostat in the room was set at 40F. The room temperature was more like 80F. I attempted to turn on the air conditioner. This piece of garbage looked like a circa 1930s Russian failure. This was apparently just for show, because this too did not work. It appeared I must have accidentally made reservations in the sauna.

It gets worse. I lay down, frustrated, on a box that resembles a bed. Sweating, I decide to open the window. Perhaps I can get some air in the room this way. I open the window to see that the room is not actually a sauna, but a prison cell. A screen separates us from freedom. A thick pane of glass refuses to budge. The heat is trapped. And so are we. I take the time to admire the "lovely" view the BW Fairbanks Inn has given us. Note to self: Fairbanks sucks.

As if these items don't give the place a one-star rating already. Katey shows me the toilet. The toilet was apparently modeled for people on earth that are 3 foot 4 in height. I sit down on it to prove a point. My legs cramp, since the only way I can truly sit on this smurf-toilet is by using the fetal position. We then test the flush. People in Argentina can hear it. This toilet is so loud, there will be no midnight bathroom breaks. This flush will stir the whole planet.

Boy, this place gets better and better. After taking note of the thin towels we were to use to bathe ourselves, I saw something a bit out of place. A crusted over washcloth hung helplessly across the shower curtain rod. Eww. A washcloth from the previous stay? Nah...probably from the maid cleaning. Until I saw the pubic hair embedded in it. Nasty

find a small piece of paper in the room with the logo. At first I thought it was stationary. But I read it. It was actuallty a "complimentary guest towel." This tiny thing is a guest towel "courtesy of your friends at the Best Western." They wanted credit for a NAPKIN. The only thing this thing will be good for is to remove a certain washcloth with a certain pubic hair.

I slept on top of the covers - too hot to go into the covers. Did I say sleep? I think that was the wrong term. I shut my eyes. Who could sleep with the fascination the residents of Fairbanks have with rap music? It seemed every car cruising down Cushman had a bass system worth double the cars' value. Not to mention the vibration from these systems seemed ready to tear down this creepy hotel. If only it would break this window.

A new day...ready for the trip up to the Arctic Circle. Perhaps I have been a little harsh on the hotel. After all, today is a new day. Although I'm tired, Alaska is beautiful. Well, it sometimes pays to have a positive outlook. And then other times, its just dissapointing to learn the truth.

I attempt a shower. The water pressure was fine, but the matter in which it departed the showerhead was a bit confusing. It was high enough for my lower chest. This room was definitely built for little people. The soap/shampoo dispenser was not labled. Time to play the guessing game. Is it blue for soap and pink for shampoo, or the other way around. I mix the two and hope for the best. Now I smell like grandma's house.

Coffee? Sure. The have a coffeepot in the room, able to make 4 cups. Oh, but the top is missing. Hmmm...coffee won't pour into the carafe unless the top is there to trigger the release of liquid. God, I really hate this place. Heat is one thing, pubic hair is another. But why deny me of coffee!?!? I quickly devise a plan and use a pen to release the coffee into the carafe. Too bad the coffee tasted like it was filtered from a gym sock.

No problem...we can just get some unlimited coffee from the continental breakfast that comes free with the room right? We navigate our way through the maze of Best Western Horror to get downstairs. We find the room where the continental breakfast was being offered. But wait a minute. There is a price next to it of 5 dollars a person. ARE YOU SERIOUS!? We have to PAY for what other hotel chains just GIVE YOU!? One item was for free...the coffee. Located near the hotel lobby, a small dispenser promised coffee. The coffee was so bad, it made me long for a cup filtered from a gym sock.

I'm highly irritated, because I had payed for two nights. Which meant I had one more night in this horrible, horrible hotel. I would have much rather stayed at the Westmark or the Spring Hill. However, the Best Western should have not been this terrible, right? Oh well...one more night and we can flee this joint. Lets just use it for what its made to do - give you a place to lay your head down.

Lay your head down. If only it were that easy. The next night was so bad, it made me long for the first night. We call it an early night, exhaused from our bad first night sleep and the adventures of this day.I close my eyes.

"UUUH"
"what the..."
"UUUUUUHHHHH"
"that isn't what I think it is..."
"OH YEAH, F&%K ME... UUUUHHH"
(insert squeaking of bed and the banging of the headboard of adjacent room 250)

Oh hell no.
Katey and I laugh for a moment, knowing they couldn't possibly keep this up forever.

12:15am, it gets quiet, other than 3-4 flushings from an equally loud toilet. They must be done.

A female voice must be on the phone in that room. Since the walls apparently are made of paper mache, we can hear everything she says. And such a chatterbox she is...

"I'm not going to make it home tonight. I'm not going to make it home tonight. I'm not going to make it home tonight. I'm not going to make it home tonight. I'm not going to make it home tonight."

That was her conversation. Theories of how the two met in room 250 were our next topic in the dark. We figured they met at a bar, and she either was calling her husband or her family. We settled on that, and tried falling back asleep.

12:31am
"UUUH"
what the...
"UUUUUUHHHHH"
"that isn't what I think it is..."
"OH YEAH, F&%K ME... UUUUHHH"
(insert squeaking of bed and the banging of the headboard of adjacent room 250, again.)

You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!!!

They are at it AGAIN! These d**n horndogs must be on meth, or something that gives people the constant urge of needing to bump uglies.

About 1:30am, over an hour of them doing it, we decided to step outside, and contemplate actually leaving this hotel. We viewed the Northern Lights display overhead, and we decided to give it one last shot and attempt sleep.

Guess how I woke up at 6:00am?
"UUUH"
what the...
"UUUUUUHHHHH"
"that isn't what I think it is..."
"OH YEAH, F&%K ME... UUUUHHH"
(insert squeaking of bed and the banging of the headboard of adjacent room 250, yet again)

When checking out, the lady at the front desk made the bad mistake of asking if I enjoyed my stay.

Bobby
Anchorage, Alaska
U.S.A.