Deborah Lynn Kosmatka Adultress/home-wrecker/sex addict Shore View Minnesota

I also knew Deb from Grand Forks and would have to agree with Joe above. Deb lived a troubled life filled with abuse. I can't justify everything she might have done. Like most of us, She was far from perfect. But I also know she had more true friends than many other people.

Unfortunately, the last few years of her life were filled with pain and fear when confronted by the cancer that ultimately ended her life.

Maybe it's time for the self identified "victim" above to focus on resolving their own troubles instead of blaming others for those problems.

listen up all you conservative christians or people of interest.

If we're going to mention God and the Bible let's back it up with scripture of the word of God.

Ephesians 5:22 Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Verse 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Verse 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Verse 25 HUSBANDS, LOVE YOU WIVES, JUST AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER.

Let's remember what Christ went through the Church. You can do an extensive study on your own by reading the Bible. But here is a few things he went through..

He was mocked, called a liar, his own family turned against him, he was sentenced to die on the cross for OUR sins and nothing that he had done, his beard was ripped off his face, he was whipped on the back 40 times. His disciples had scattered to the wind. Jesus was left all alone to face his death. After all he did for the people healing them, feeding them, loving the unlovely he still went to the cross willingly that's how much he loves us. He went to Hell so we could go to Heaven. He gave us his all, his life thats how much he loves the Church its immeasurable.

Now if a husband loves his wife as much as Christ loves his church than the wife would be more than willing to submit to her husband, because of his love and giving of himself to his wife. And he would forsake all others because of his unselfish love for her reguardless of his sacrafice. Then she in turn will do all she can for him seeing what he is doing for her and the love and affection he is giving to her.

I'll make it real simple for you......

Everyone knows who said this:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY!!!!!!!!

It doesn't say thou shall not commit adultry, EXCEPT if: the wifes hair is a mess, and that the husband didn't take the trash out

nor are you supposed to add to or take away from who said that. And we all know who said this for we ALL have to answer to HIM.


END OF STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE STUPID YOUNG MAN, who said that women need to keep there men happy i n order to insure that they don't cheap. if the male is so unhappy why don't he just leave instead of hurting someone by cheating.

And a real man shouldn't be defined, by sex. if sex is the reason for leaving or cheating on your wife then you should of never got married.

A MARRIAGE SHOULD GO DEEPER THAN SEX. MAYBE THAT'S WHY OVER 50% OF MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE

THE STUPID YOUNG MAN, who said that women need to keep there men happy i n order to insure that they don't cheap. if the male is so unhappy why don't he just leave instead of hurting someone by cheating.

And a real man shouldn't be defined, by sex. if sex is the reason for leaving or cheating on your wife then you should of never got married.

A MARRIAGE SHOULD GO DEEPER THAN SEX. MAYBE THAT'S WHY OVER 50% OF MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE

THE STUPID YOUNG MAN, who said that women need to keep there men happy i n order to insure that they don't cheap. if the male is so unhappy why don't he just leave instead of hurting someone by cheating.

And a real man shouldn't be defined, by sex. if sex is the reason for leaving or cheating on your wife then you should of never got married.

A MARRIAGE SHOULD GO DEEPER THAN SEX. MAYBE THAT'S WHY OVER 50% OF MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE

I used to ride bikes with Deb Kosmatka in Grand Forks in the late 80's, was married and expecting our first child. She NEVER made the slightest move toward me or in any way jeopardized my marriage. I was athletic and there were plenty of opportunities for her to make inappropriate innuendo. I know of other males that were her friends at that time, and there was nothing going on there. So much for the statement that she was some sort of "psychopathic" or "sex-addicted" individual. Further, none of what Deb told me about her work or cancer conflicted with what I could verify with other sources. Is thyroid cancer really that "easy" to cure?

I suspect that somehow things just went too far with your spouse, but as far as I know, this was not a pattern of repeated behaviors. That does not justify her alleged actions, but she should not be painted with such a broad brush. She alone has to answer for what she might have done.

Some people discust me. I am so appalled at how women think on here.
Whatever happened to the FAMILY STRUCTURE?

Children should grow up feeling loved and not be abandoned by their mother over a man.

Women should took care of their families and love their husbands.

Men should cherish their wives and be strong for them.

Anymore, all people think about is SEX SEX SEX.
That is why so many people are contracting HIV, dying of AIDS, passing herpes or other STD's. It's sickening, and most of these diseases do not have cures. Illigitmate pregnancies...lack of fathers, abortions.

How scary would it be for you to think you might have HIV? To have to wait for your results because you like to sleep around a lot or your spouse cheats on you, vice-versa.

Then what hell will your children go through?
What ever happened to old-fashioned family values? I don't think they are old-fashioned, love and devotion should be the MORAL fiber along with God that holds your family together.

If your spouse cheats on you, THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU! It is pure lust!

If my future husband cheats on me...HE WILL BE GONE. I will not be subjected to that. I will not only blame the person he cheated with (if they knew, but I would BLAME him most of all.
If someone truly loves you, you shouldn't have to make yourself out to be some beauty queen or porn-star look-a-like to satisfy him. Love is a part of SEX. There is nothing wrong with SEX. Sex is beautiful when the union of two people deeply in love share themselves.
It shouldn't be because you wanna 'get off', or have a few moments of lust.

If your spouse cheats on you, it's not your fault. It BECOMES your fault when you only blame it on the other person and give HIM excuses.

It is your spouse's fault! And you are retarded to only get mad at the 'other person'.
Women and Men, try to recoup your marriage. Try to make it work. You both have to determine how you want things to end.

If the spouse is truly repentful...then you can forgive. It will take time. You won't forget...it will be a constant reminder, and you may never trust them again.

That is on a case by case basis. You people come on here slandering the woman! How sickening is that? SHE IS THE VICTEM. BUT SHE REMAINS THE VICTEM IS SHE IGNORES IT! IT IS NOT HER FAULT iT HAPPENED IN THE FIRST PLACE!

It doesn't matter if she's ugly, fat, short, or a d**n beauty queen! If he doesn't love her, then let him go and sleep with whoever he wants.

Several years ago, I dated this guy. Thought he was wonderful. Worked at a Christian Book Store...went to church, etc. He moved away three thousand miles for a job. I went to visit him for a week. I was thinking of moving out to go to college.

One day, I backed into a car parked on my street. I left the person a note with my phone number to contact me. The female called me later in the day to tell me she didn't mind the 'bump', but she told me I was dating her fiance that moved three thousand miles away! He told her everything, and that he was sorry. He called me every day, wrote me emails every day.
I called him up, and cursed at him.
I never ever spoke to him again.

I walked away and learned an important lesson. Have DIGNITY in yourself. No man or woman is worth that trouble. Not worth pursuing. There are people out there that will respect and love you for always. You may not find them right away. But people keep trying and trying and trying....keep staying in the madness.

If you spouse loves you, truly...then they will accept you for who you are.

I am not saying don't do nice things for them. DO NOT TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED. But DO NOT cheat on them. Do not COMMIT ADULTARY!

If you have children...don't put them through that. That can tear families up. I am sure the falling apart of families and the wider acceptance of social sex and accepting your spouse sleeping around, doing that yourself does not teach your kids anything. They end up repeating the cycle.

My parents raised me very well. I have never had any illigitimate kids, don't have any divorces under my belt...and learned that SEX is for love and marriage.

Pray for the children that are going through this.

Hope that women can have some integrity and not tolerate their spouses repeatedly cheating on them! Stop being so selfish and let them go if they do not love you or want to be with you.
Stop putting the blame on other people.
HOLD THEM ACCOUNTABLE!

I felt I had to respond here.

First of all, marriage is about two people who take vows and agree to love each other. It is about two people making promises to each other, regardless of what the circumstances are.

Secondly, the notion that you have to blame the wife for the cheating spouse or the husband for the cheating wife is ridiculous. Marriage is hard work period and reality is that there will be times that you give 150 percent and there will be times you give 10 percent. Marriage is not about keeping count of the giving.

There is no obligation of a marriage partner to keep one's spouse entertained. I as a wife am not responsible for my husband's entertainment. My job is to love him and try to accept him. His job is likewise.

If a man cheats, he cheats. If a woman cheats, she cheats. It is ridiculous to blame the other. It is childless. It is like saying well I was mugged last week so I had to steal from my boss to make up for what I was missing. It is a joke.

The majority of times when a person cheats, it has little to do with what is going on at home. It has all to do with someone getting a high. Do drug addicts steal money for crack because they have an ugly wife.

People cheat because they are tempted and they are too weak to say no. Period, end of story.

I think it is ridiculous to try and lay blame on the victims here. It is even ridiculous to even attempt to justify the behavior especially when we are living in an age where sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS and Hepatitis, and Herpes and 50 other various bugs and viruses are out there.

I don't care how bad you have it at home. If it is that bad, leave first before you get yourself infected and pass it on to your spouse and endanger thier lives.

My opinion only.

Typical male. Always blaming everyone else and not taking the blame for his own actions.

Tasha,
I would like to say that a man will be a man if your there for him or not. There are many men who cheat because they have a sexual addiction not because their wives arent giving them their 100%. You have to be in a controlling marriage or else you wouldnt say these things.

A vow is a vow. I agree. However, it is also correct that marriage is an ongoing process. Neither person can just "coast" on the vow. In order for it to work, both people have to contribute toward mutual happiness. It might be the wife and the husband making sure to express their love to each other with words or actions, or in some other significant fashion. It might be consistent behavior that conveys the message. I would disagree with the idea that it is the wife's "duty" with the attendant implication that it is only she who must contribute energy to the relationship.

Someone earlier said it is a 100%/100% relationship, not 50-50. That was a marvelous observation.

All that said (and badly), there is also some truth to the idea that if your spouse is cheating it may often be because of what is missing at home. Hypothetically, if your spouse is cheating, did he / she ever express (implicitly or explicitly) that he / she needed something from you prior to the infidelity? If you are honestly retrospective, did you listen? Really listen? What was requested?

Was it something sexual (which is pretty easy to provide - loosen up and make him / her happy)? Well, OK, I suppose actual physical damage during sex is probably out, but would it kill you to wear the Zorro costume or to actually leave the lights on? Was it simple attention and saying the words that we all need to hear? With the exception of incorrigible, lying dogs and whores, infidelity probably stems from one spouse feeling the lack at home.

That said, you still made a promise, you creep!!

I just want to say that in today's culture we have horribly tainted beliefs about marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a 100%/100% proposition, not 50%/50%. That's the first misconception that most people have. When you say "I do" you're promising to give 100% to the marriage, to actively love (love is a VERB!) your significant other, and to do everything you can to be the best spouse for them.

It can be easy to slip into the trap of not taking responsibility, of playing the victim, and of not actively working towards a better marriage. I'm not saying that if a man cheats, he is innocent and all of the blame lays on the wife, but instead BOTH parties are to blame. As a wife it is your DUTY (you signed up for this job when you said "I do") to be the best wife you can be. This means doing the things that a man appreciates, admiring him, accepting him, and submitting to him (there are moral limits of course). Submission is NOT a bad word. Infact, it's a biblical word. The man is designed to be the leader of the household, a wife is to lovingly (not begrudgingly) submit to her husband and a husband is to lovingly lead his wife.

Most affairs begin because a wife is failing to provide admiration, acceptance, or is unfeminine or unsubmissive. A man needs admiration and respect like he needs air. Tell your husband you admire him and see how he reacts, it's amazing. We forget that while our most important need as a woman is love, our husband's most important need is admiration. A man loves a woman who NEEDS him, not one who makes it obvious she can support herself. Ask your husband to open jars, move heavy objects, and do the finances for you. Let him know you couldn't make it without him.

I could go on for pages about what to do and what not to do, but it comes down to this....your actions determine your husband's mood and actions. If he is missing something vital to his being he will go else where to find it. If you want to make your marriage work, as a woman, read FASCINATING WOMANHOOD! Other good books are CREATIVE COUNTERPART, and HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS AN AFFAIR PROOF MARRIAGE. Realize that the blame in the situation of an affair lies with the person cheating for acting on desires and also with the person being cheated on for not fulfilling the needs of their spouse.

Tiffany,
I'm sorry that you feel that way about my response, I hope you had a chance to read April's response to yours...

April, Thank you for your comment. You've basically said everything that I was kind of trying to say or get across.

Relationships are very hard work, you need both party's to stay committed to each other and the family. If one lets go, and doesn't do the "Daily, weekly, monthly or yearly" maintenance, then one will not feel loved... There for the other party will go looking (Most of the time, unintentionally) for someone else to fill that void that was once filled by their spouse.

And yes, April is right... Some people are just dogs. And this is a very unfortunate thing.

Tiffany, Please read the books that I have mentioned above, and then you will understand what I'm trying to say and bring across. I have very strong and high morals. I'm a very strong Conservative Christian. My opinion of adultery is even if you think of having some kind of sexual relations or thoughts (i.e. During the day seeing someone of the opposite sex and thinking, "wow, they're so beautiful, I wonder what they'd be like in bed", or "I'd like to have sex with her"), you've committed adultery.

If ANYONE cheats, man or woman...they're TRASH...period. If a woman let's herself "go" and has bad hair in the morning? What should she do, jump out of bed and fix her hair and make-up immediately when she wakes up?

Contrary to popular belief, there are men out there who ACTUALLY take their vows seriously and don't need you to spend 100's of dollars every month "surprising" them, don't need to have you wear a new nightie all the time and just actually love their wife for being herself, not some sexpot.

Man, I don't know where this world developed this twisted perception that it was OK to cheat.

IF YOU'RE TAKING THE VOWS, GUESS WHAT? SHE WON'T ALWAYS LOOK PERFECT, NEITHER WILL THE HOUSE OR THE KIDS AND NO, YOU WON'T ALWAYS BE ON THE TOP OF HER TO-DO LIST 24/7!

So if you can't deal with that, get the hell over it; don't get married and NEVER reproduce!

Vows are VOWS, take them and mean them or don't take them at all. You'd be one shitty spouse anyway (anyone) if you sat there and went after another woman because of the way she looked. REAL WINNER HERE! Not.

I am so glad I am not married to any of the morons with this "Look like a fashion model all the time and cater to my every whim or I will cheat on you" people. Give me a break!

I am a beautiful girl but sometimes I "look rough" and you know what? It's when I am in my pajamas like that with no make-up on that my husband tells me I look the most beautiful because I look natural!

Marriage is a PARTERNSHIP, not parenting. It's not the woman's job to make sure the man has his every heart's desire 24/7. Grow up! We're NOT your Mommy!

Are there ANY men on this message board at all who actually LOVE their wives and don't cheat?!

Hey i totally agree with the gentleman If in fact a man and a woman take Vows The they Vow to work at that relationship How much was this wife doing to KEEP him happy
OR how much was HE doing to keep her happy
personally I have met many men and woman who complain the zing is gone and what can be done and why does this not happen any more

women you need to keep it exciting and new not all the time but hell if you are going to let your self go and every morning he wakes and looks at you all rough with hair all over your head in some old shorts and a big shirt and then goes out and sees a woman taking interest in herself and keeping her crap together well who can blame him SAME for you men If you roam around not paying attention to her and always worried about work and cars and whatever else you guys pay attention to and let yourselves go and never help around the house and she meets a guy who does help out and offers her a hand and takes care of himself and does the little things that mean a lot and she roams Hey get over it and get to work on TYOU Then maybe both of you can put the effort into each other


While true it is NOT always anyone's fault some men and some woman are just DOGS and will grab anything that moves BJT MANY MANY relationships are due to the lack of caring the habits of falling too comfortable
If this is you then take some time and pay attention to your selves and your partners
Surprise the wife with a gift a weekend at a bed and breakfast something
take time for each other women YOU can plan the SAME trip and surprise him JUST as well
Take a day give yourself a pedicure manicure and beauty treatment get a nighty and a pair of silk boxers for him pack you a night bag with all the little extras some oils incense candles etc toothbrushes and music and pick him up at work or have him take a drive with you when he gets home and go to a near by bed and breakfast for a the weekend
NOT allowed to bring ANY clothes

Order a fun couples game to play while there a soft porn or a book of erotic stories
Add some Zip

i can almost BET your man well he will be too happy to think of whomever

I swear i may write a book on this stuff with all the woman yelling their men are doing this and not doing that yet they NEVER see the real story.

Men you are JUST as bad You to can do ALL the above
Let the partner know you still love them and adore them MOST of all that you find them Sexy

No one woman can destroy a relationship IF you are working at Keeping that relationship as a good one i do not care how skilled and conniving she may be IF in fact you are doing little things like this for your man even but once or twice a month then he is NOT going anywhere
and There are MANY that you can do At home with NO money or Little money so lack of money is not a issue If you have kids take a weekend the kids stay at your friends house and then the following weekend you take hers so she and her hubby have that special time

There is ALWAYS A WAY

I wish i had someone to help me write a book or something this is SOOO needed

How dare you say that it is a wife's fault if her husband cheats. Apparently VOWS mean nothing to you!

Let me tell you something, I don't care if you never have sex with your spouse, EVER...if they cheat, it's their own d**n fault and no one else's!

They took the vows and you certainly didn't make them! There's NO line in there that says "I will love, honor and cherish only you as long as you're having sex with me 4 times a week" now is there? NO!

Get some morals and get it right, you sound like a moron.

1st, Why in the world would you commit adultry on your behalf and then report it on something like this? 2nd, If you're the Female in this situation, then you have failed as a wife to satisify whever your husband in what ever he needed.

My siguestion to you is to go out and read a few books, 1) Fascinating Woman Hood (Absolutly must read for women) 2) His needs; Her needs and 3) The 5 Love Languages.

Once you have read these (Mind you they're not easy reading for the "modern" woman) and continue to read over and over again, and continue praticing what these books teach, and this kind of stuff still happens, then you've married the wrong person....